typical end-of-the-year post

This thing has been a diary of sorts, since most of what I write is really personal. These 365 days have been insane for lack of a better word (or description for that matter). My January was fun; I had nothing but it was fun. Soon everything began to wind up really tight and somewhere along spring, it snapped.

It was like a really lame roller-coaster, those kiddy ones at the carnivals that don't do much but go up and down. It was stupid. I was upset by silly things, I committed stupider mistakes which were no less than "justified" at the time. I learned so much.

Summer came, along with it, your typical romance.

By fall, I realized that I wasn't doing much with my life. Nothing, would never lead me to success. It's not that I was a bad person but I had no drive for myself. The change felt as if it only took 12 hours. I woke up one day and said, "enough is enough" and did what I felt was needed.

I grew up this year, from 21 to 22. I'm an adult, seriously an adult, with responsibilities and bills. I go to school and have a pretty decent job. I pay for my own things, take my classes, do most of my homework. My first quarter at MIU should have been better but it's all based on learning. I know next quarter I'll have to dedicate some more time if I really want to stand out from the crowd.

I know what tune ups are necessary and this time around it will be that much better. 2011 holds great things for me and I KNOW IT.

All I have to do is wake up tomorrow morning and live life to it's fullest.

bubbles and mosquitoes

Have you ever been trapped in the gray? No neutral does good but white was too light and black was probably better. But here in the gray, they come visit.
Not those pleasant, having-your-grandma-over visits, no. Those pesky intruding ones that tiptoe in while barging all together. You should see them.
One of them said something about death but I shrugged it off. The next one spoke of sins and I liked it. It seemed almost mystical. Then it made sense, the sinning and the death.
I thought it couldn't be that bad but it got colder and darker. Remembering well, the air was moist. I tried to breath but it was drowning my lungs. I panicked! One of them took me back but--but I wanted to see.
I WANTED TO SEE!

This fucking gray, I tell you. He's a real son of a bitch.
Hey black, let white take a walk on your side. Let's see what sins you get from them.


-----

I wanna feel again. I ask for feelings
and my mind gets caught in a net called
IDLE.

f*ck you.

last year

It's not nice to feel unwanted. I know it. It's far too familiar for me. I've been loved and cared for, like flowers, but also, I've been in the weeds.

"You should apologize to her," I told him.
"But, why?" he said.
"Well, because, she had no other choice but to leave, cos' you're being selfish." I replied.

There was a stiff silence and he stared me in the eye.

I answered his glare: "I don't know. I'm giving you a sensitive approach. I don't know how you would usually handle the situation."

"I feel bad..." He drifted into thought.
"Well, if you feel bad, it's cos' you know you did something wrong."

He got up, lit a cigarette and got lost again into his mixed feelings. The situation was neatly uncalled for and what was necessary to him was excessive to her.

"You need to start prioritizing. You need to realize you only think about yourself and she has to think of her child and then herself. Putting that into perspective should set you well on your way..." I felt I had possibly said too much.

Then there's crossing lines. I know about this as well. There's a border, an edge. Passing that line can lead to great consequences and everyone should always be well aware.

[I guess that's where cool thoughts come into play. After the situation has settled and everything has been said, time needs to be taken for the waters to calm. And then can we make our move and take precise action. But not until that moment has been reached, otherwise, it may all disappear, like dust in sporadic gusts of wind.]