The drive home that night was silent, at least, silence remained in the car. Traffic whooshed by echoing within me. The radio was off and the dashboard gleamed bright blue. In my mind, confusion tried to sort out other emotions. It was a feeling of fading, like light deeper into the night.
I felt as if I no longer belonged to myself, all together, mind, body--empty. So what is this feeling of fulfillment? To what do I owe this mysterious, vaguely perceptive feeling?
I stared blankly out the windshield, driven. The route home was usual and automatic, driven dozens of times. I pressed the button to lower the window and let in some air. It was an attempt at having the speedy breeze wake me from my thoughts. I was empty; just filled with noise and gibbering murmurs.
It had been five minutes since I had left. Company at his house that night was quiet and observant. He so usually acts this way leaving me in a wonderment. What is going through that mind of his? I felt that he held back on so much that needed to be said. Perhaps his unspoken words needed nesting in my vacant mind. Was I trying to figure out what he wouldn't say? No...
I, myself, had to organize feelings, unsure of what was in stock. From some time ago I began to lose myself and let go of a rope that was securing my heart. It was now that I came to my senses, breaking free for air. I was fully submerged and hadn't noticed until I had already drowned.
***
"I just feel that I no longer have a guard up with you..."
"But isn't that what love is about?"
"Yeah... I guess you're right. I'm just afraid of being hurt again."
"You're so cynical. One of the many things I love about you."
His rationality breaking barriers that the logical minds shouldn't. He makes perfect sense.
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